Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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