I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
