good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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