Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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