I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
