i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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