Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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