Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
