You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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