If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
