brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
