Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
