True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
