My sheets look like a crime scene.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
