Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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