He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
