Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
how do you play pong handcuffed?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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