youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
