I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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