I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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