Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
it's great music for shaving your balls
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
