your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
