Moan for me like Helen Keller
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
