Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
