He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
