I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
