So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
FUCK WHALES
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
