I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
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As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
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I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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