You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
