The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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