I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
