Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize