dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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