Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
