I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
