There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
