dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
