I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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