i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
