If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
