when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
