i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
