So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
