you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
