that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize