I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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