talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
