I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
