I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
