we have pet lesbian snakes
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
