I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
