Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
