goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
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he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
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I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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