Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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