Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
