i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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