I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
sex in a hospital.. check
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
