Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
