Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
