Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
