K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
