Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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