Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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