is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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