she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
