Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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