apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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